Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
