She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
