today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize