I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize