Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
