Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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