I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
