I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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