I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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