I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I'm having to shit out rocks
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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