theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
