i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
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