i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
