I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Drunk is a universal language darling
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