Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
