The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
