You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Dear god my vagina.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
