just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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