Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
