i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
