I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
