i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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