my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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