she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
