my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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