I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
