Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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