it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
