I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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