I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
