You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
