We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
