I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
