Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
