Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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