i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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