My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
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