just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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