This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
