i just had sex bonerless
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Randomize
