why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
