I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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