Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
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