I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
