3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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