I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
