I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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