im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
