Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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