People with herpes should wear stickers.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
