let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
All I want is dick and wine.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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