I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
