I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
so much tequila, so little girl.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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