I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
