I accidentally had phone sex last night
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
