My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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