so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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